Well I did what he said and i lifted the bedside cabinet to the window and pushed it out, to the scream of a guy and Mark shouting up at me "you crazy bitch, what did you do that for? you stupid bitch" as i looked down i could see his friend on the floor with blood coming from his head and the bedside cabinet in bits next to him. I shouted down that you told me to drop it out the window, he replied that he told me to drop it out of the window into the garden, not the drive, i just looked and said there's plants and a bush next to the house and next to the drive, so thats a garden too.

His friend recovered, not enough to finish fixing the car, but he laughed after because he knows how literal i take things at times.

Mark for being a jerk

Bitch slapped by Sammie  

When the tow truck arrived, the cop park his police car in the middle of the road to make sure the tow truck had place to move and no-one got in the way. As i was talking to the cop, i noticed his police car rolling down the road, and i asked him if thats his police car rolling down the road on it’s own. He look back and said “yea” then “oh fuck yea” and took off running down the road after his police car, and i just giggled at the sight i was seeing unfold in front of me.

The cop was hanging onto the bumper of the car while being dragged down the steep hill and he only let go when his police car side swiped the first of 23 parked cars in our road and came to a halt in the back end of a motorhome.

Traffic cops that give out tickets and don’t know how to use a hand brake

Bitch Slapped By Sammie

After lunch we rode the 3 miles across the moor to the car and horse box where we were going to camp for the night. As we arrived it was still very hot and we pegged out the horses and started to change from our riding clothes into something more comfortable, i changed into a white skirt and crop top and walked in my bare feet.

Mark came over to me and said i look really sexy and cupped my bum in his hands and lifted me up, so i wrapped my legs around him and we started to kiss as he walked us over to the car he said, “i could fuck you here and now” then he sat me on the hood of the car and lifted my skirt.

It took a second or 2 before my brain realised that my ass was burning on the hood of the car and I started to scream and wriggle to get off the car, Mark took a step back and looked at me a little bemused and i started to kick out as my ass, lips and back of my legs where burning and i felt stuck on the car, as i kicked out to get off, i landed a violent kick, square between Marks legs and he made a “ugh” sound and collapsed in a heap on the ground and i managed to get off the car and i was screaming and running around in agony.

A passing car stopped and called the cops and an ambulance and the cops got their really fast and called the firemen, while a cop was pouring a bottle of coke over my ass, the other was seeing to Mark.

The firemen arrived and got me on my hands and knee’s and started to hose down my ass with the cold water from the fire truck, when the ambulance arrived, they called for another one as they would need to take Mark to hospital 1st as he was in a bad way, i can wait for the other ambulance as everything that can be done for me is being done.

Mark spent 5 days in hospital and had to have a testicle removed, i spent over a week in hospital  and i was luck i didnt have scars afterwards, but my ass was red and the skin pealed and for weeks i had a numb bum to gentle touches.

Mark never forgave me for that

Mark for thinking with the brain between your legs.

Bitch slapped by Sammie

That month it was summer and we invited friends round for a BBQ and i thought it would be nice to spit roast a chicken in our new microwave to give it a test run. Well after the chicken was cooked, i looked in the microwave and now i knew why they call it a spit roast, it spits fat everywhere, on the roof and walls and in that grill thingy where the light is, the inside of the microwave was a mess and i had to clean it.

The next day i woke and i had the microwave on my list of jobs to do, and i sprayed Mr muscle in and wiped it down, but where the light was behind all them little holes, i could see fat in the holes and no matter how much i wiped, the fat was still in the holes. Not to be out done, i got cotton buds, (ear cleaners) and a spray with bleach and added 50% water to it so i can clean each hole 1 by 1.

Armed with my spray and cotton buds i opened the microwave door and the light came on, not being blonde i knew i cant spray in there with the light on or I’ll get an electric shock, so i pulled the plug out the mains and the light went off, and i went to work cleaning each hole 1 by 1, squirt squirt, poke hole 1, squirt squirt, poke hole 2, squirt squirt, poke hole 3, and so on till i did about 100 holes and ran out of bleach and cotton buds, but it was all clean. and spotless.

Mark came home and offered to cook dinner, i said I’ll just have a microwave dinner as the kitchen is clean and he would only mess it up. Sat at the pc, everything went off all of a sudden, the pc, the desk lamp, and tv, poof all off and a BANG in the kitchen, I ran out to see smoke coming from the microwave and Mark across the kitchen sat on top of the dishwasher looking dazed and confused, and soot around the mains socket on the wall by the microwave.

I asked him what happened and he said he don’t know, all he did was plug the microwave in and bang it threw him across the kitchen. realizing that the bleach and water might have something to do with it, i said to Mark, “thats what you get when you buy dodgy stuff from your mates, just think that could have happened to me while no-one was home, and i might be dead now. ”

Mark told his mate and his mate came over a week later with a brand new microwave and dishwasher (as ours didn’t work after Mark landed on it) and he said he was every so sorry and gave me some flowers too.

i never washed the microwave with water and bleach again.

Microwave designers

bitch slapped by Sammie, for the little holes you cant clean

I was on our bed and had my 8 pads from my system strapped to my thighs and belly and just finishing my 30 minute session when Mark came up stairs and said he’s going to shower and will be back in a few minutes.

Our bedroom was lit by the dim glow of the TV in the corner, and i was removing my pads and placing them on Marks side of the bed, As I leaned over to unplug the system from the mains supply Mark came in and sat on the bed. Well you never heard a guy scream so loud in your life, and i turned to see what was up and Mark had jumped up from the bed, but was waving his arms about to try and get his balance, and failed so plopped his ass back on the bed, to yet another almighty scream and this time he managed to jump up to his feet and turn around to look at the bed.

I looked at him and said, “whats up baby?” to which he replied “you stupid bitch, what the fuck are you trying to do? fucking kill me?” I just looked at him a little bemused and then he said “I just sat on them fuckin pads and got my balls and ass fried, not once but twice, what the fuck was going through your mind when you left them turned on for me to sit on?”

I just replied with “you said you was going to go shower, i didn’t expect you to come sit on them 20 seconds after you left to go shower numb nuts” ever since then, “numb nuts” has been my favorite name to call stupid men.

Mark was to loose a testicle 2 months later when i kicked him in the balls by accident, but thats another story yet to come. My ass, his balls and 10 firemen, policemen and ambulance men, keep looking back for this story soon.

Boyfriends that do not appreciate what girls do to look good for them

Bitch slapped by Sammie

After the register she walked up and down the aisle looking at everyones Squiggles to pick out the best one, and she stopped at my desk and asked me why i didn’t draw a Squiggle like i asked everyone to draw.  So i pointed to my Squiggle in the tree and pointed to his pile of acorns and told my teacher that thats my Squiggle there in the tree. She laughed and asked me again, what it is, and i told her it’s a Squiggle with his acorns in his tree.

Well she took the book from the boy behind me and pointed to a page with scribbles on it and said thats a Squiggle, and i said look there are 3 Squiggles in the grass by the tree over there, as i pointed out the window.

Oh you mean Squirrels Sammie, and i said yes i like Squiggles because the hop like my bunny and take nuts out my hand in our garden.  I got a gold star for the best Squiggle because everyone just Scribbled in their books.

For the next 30 minutes she sat by me trying to teach me to say Squirrel, before giving up hope.

Class mates Bitchslapped by sammie

for not knowing what a baby Squiggle is

He started the fire with paper but it didn’t really catch alight very well, so he took the top of the petrol and splashed some over the fire and it went whoosh and started to burn the rubbish but didn’t burn for long.

i asked if he wanted another beer and went to fetch one for him, and he was on the other side of the fire poking it about, when he asked me to pass him the petrol can.

When i passed him the petrol can, some of it splashed out on his arm and leg and on the ground too, only about 1/2 a cup full at most. He didn’t seem to mind and then started to splash more petrol on the fire and whoosh it went again, only this time it went whoosh up his leg and then his arm. when he seen it he started running but didn’t throw away the petrol can so was splashing more of it on himself as he ran around the garden screaming.

I screamed out “jump in the fish pond” and pointed to next doors pond, but he didn’t look where i pointed and jumped into my pond, which was a split level pond of 6 foot deep, 4 foot deep and 1 foot deep, only it had been pumped out the day before for cleaning so only had 6 inches of water in it in the deep end, where he jumped in hoping to make a big splash and put out the flames.

poor guy jumped into the 6 foot end, only to find 6 inches of water in it. he broke his ankle and an arm, but was able to roll around in the muddy 6 inches of water to put the flames out.

he never did come to finish my garden after that.

boys playing with fire.

bitchslapped by sammie

well i knew what happened and i ran to the toilets and i was in there for about 20 minutes crying my eyes out and looking at the mess on my skirt, before some lady came in with my case and said i might need this. then she asked if i have something for my boyfriend to wear, as he is in a bit of a mess, and i handed her a skirt and said thats all i have. It was 2 hours later before i came out the toilet. he never let me forget that day. I have never been back to Manchester airport since and i change my travel arrangements if Manchester is the only airport i can use. I’ll never go back there again.

Spain and the food or water.

Bitch slapped by Sammie

Turning his back to me daddy said “no Sammie thats my penis”, so i asked him, “daddy when do i get my penis?” He said “Sammie sweetie, girls don’t have one, they have a vagina, and boys have a penis.” Pulling the plug out of the bath, daddy told me to hurry up and get dressed, my dress is on the bed and everyone is waiting, he said.

The next thing i remember was running down the stairs shouting “Daddy Daddy i found it i found it it’s hiding in here” as i burst into the living room with my lips pulled apart and saying “look daddy i found my penis its in here, see daddy”

Well the Minister spat his coffee all over the coffee table and mommy dropped a plate of cakes on the floor and screamed “Samantha” and Daddy jumped out his chair and scooped me up in his hands and carried me running up the stairs while mommy was still shouting, and daddy was saying “good god Samantha what do you think your doing?” “I found my penis daddy see I do have one daddy”.

Daddy made me promise I would never go down stairs without any knickers on again, and told me that I should forget all about my penis until i get older. (penis envy was to hit me from age 15 to 19 and from time to time later in life)

Well the guys had done everything, new stereo new CD changer in the boot with remote control, and nothing worked but the radio. Then a little boy, the owners son came over and asked what was wrong with the car, and i told him the cd player wont work, then he said “are the CD’s in the changer the right way round?”

Well the two guys gave each other looks, to say “i hope you checked that because i never” kinda look, then they looked at me and i just lowered my head and gave a half smile as i turned my head away, and within a minute my CD’s were booming out the speakers and the two guys were calling each other stupid and lots of other things.

well the boss came out and said not to bother wasting anymore time and just leave the new stereo and changer in the car and get back to earning your wages.

mechanics trying to blame me

Bitch slapped by Sammie