One day i was cleaning our bedroom and getting it ready for the new bed side cabinets that we ordered, i looked out of our bedroom window and called down to Mark, (he was fixing his car, well his friend was fixing it while Mark held the beers). I called down and asked him to come up and carry the two bedside cabinets down, to take to the dump. Being a lazy sod as Mark was, he just told me to drop them out the window into the garden and he'll put them in the car and take them to the dump later.

Well I did what he said and i lifted the bedside cabinet to the window and pushed it out, to the scream of a guy and Mark shouting up at me "you crazy bitch, what did you do that for? you stupid bitch" as i looked down i could see his friend on the floor with blood coming from his head and the bedside cabinet in bits next to him. I shouted down that you told me to drop it out the window, he replied that he told me to drop it out of the window into the garden, not the drive, i just looked and said there's plants and a bush next to the house and next to the drive, so thats a garden too.

His friend recovered, not enough to finish fixing the car, but he laughed after because he knows how literal i take things at times.

Mark for being a jerk

Bitch slapped by Sammie  

One night a car crashed outside my house, a woman drunk, got out of the car and I went to help her. Coming up the hill was a mob that wanted the woman for crashing into 4-5 cars as she drove up our road.  I took her inside and waited for the cops to come. When the cops came, one lot took her to the police station and the other cop waited for a tow truck to take her car away, and took names and addresses of the people who’s cars she had hit.

When the tow truck arrived, the cop park his police car in the middle of the road to make sure the tow truck had place to move and no-one got in the way. As i was talking to the cop, i noticed his police car rolling down the road, and i asked him if thats his police car rolling down the road on it’s own. He look back and said “yea” then “oh fuck yea” and took off running down the road after his police car, and i just giggled at the sight i was seeing unfold in front of me.

The cop was hanging onto the bumper of the car while being dragged down the steep hill and he only let go when his police car side swiped the first of 23 parked cars in our road and came to a halt in the back end of a motorhome.

Traffic cops that give out tickets and don’t know how to use a hand brake

Bitch Slapped By Sammie

On a hot summers day, Mark and I took our horses to Dartmoor for a weekend of riding. Dartmoor has a Historic prison in the centre of it, and is a huge national park in the southwest of the UK. The sun was beating down all day and while we were out riding, we stopped for lunch at a remote country pub and let the horses drink and rest without the saddles.

After lunch we rode the 3 miles across the moor to the car and horse box where we were going to camp for the night. As we arrived it was still very hot and we pegged out the horses and started to change from our riding clothes into something more comfortable, i changed into a white skirt and crop top and walked in my bare feet.

Mark came over to me and said i look really sexy and cupped my bum in his hands and lifted me up, so i wrapped my legs around him and we started to kiss as he walked us over to the car he said, “i could fuck you here and now” then he sat me on the hood of the car and lifted my skirt.

It took a second or 2 before my brain realised that my ass was burning on the hood of the car and I started to scream and wriggle to get off the car, Mark took a step back and looked at me a little bemused and i started to kick out as my ass, lips and back of my legs where burning and i felt stuck on the car, as i kicked out to get off, i landed a violent kick, square between Marks legs and he made a “ugh” sound and collapsed in a heap on the ground and i managed to get off the car and i was screaming and running around in agony.

A passing car stopped and called the cops and an ambulance and the cops got their really fast and called the firemen, while a cop was pouring a bottle of coke over my ass, the other was seeing to Mark.

The firemen arrived and got me on my hands and knee’s and started to hose down my ass with the cold water from the fire truck, when the ambulance arrived, they called for another one as they would need to take Mark to hospital 1st as he was in a bad way, i can wait for the other ambulance as everything that can be done for me is being done.

Mark spent 5 days in hospital and had to have a testicle removed, i spent over a week in hospital  and i was luck i didnt have scars afterwards, but my ass was red and the skin pealed and for weeks i had a numb bum to gentle touches.

Mark never forgave me for that

Mark for thinking with the brain between your legs.

Bitch slapped by Sammie

Spring cleaning comes every 2 weeks in my house, and i can not stand anything looking drab or dirty, and especially the kitchen and bathroom. Mark had bought a new Microwave oven from a friend that did everything, it had a grill, oven, a spit roast and it was huge, you could fit a turkey in it.

That month it was summer and we invited friends round for a BBQ and i thought it would be nice to spit roast a chicken in our new microwave to give it a test run. Well after the chicken was cooked, i looked in the microwave and now i knew why they call it a spit roast, it spits fat everywhere, on the roof and walls and in that grill thingy where the light is, the inside of the microwave was a mess and i had to clean it.

The next day i woke and i had the microwave on my list of jobs to do, and i sprayed Mr muscle in and wiped it down, but where the light was behind all them little holes, i could see fat in the holes and no matter how much i wiped, the fat was still in the holes. Not to be out done, i got cotton buds, (ear cleaners) and a spray with bleach and added 50% water to it so i can clean each hole 1 by 1.

Armed with my spray and cotton buds i opened the microwave door and the light came on, not being blonde i knew i cant spray in there with the light on or I’ll get an electric shock, so i pulled the plug out the mains and the light went off, and i went to work cleaning each hole 1 by 1, squirt squirt, poke hole 1, squirt squirt, poke hole 2, squirt squirt, poke hole 3, and so on till i did about 100 holes and ran out of bleach and cotton buds, but it was all clean. and spotless.

Mark came home and offered to cook dinner, i said I’ll just have a microwave dinner as the kitchen is clean and he would only mess it up. Sat at the pc, everything went off all of a sudden, the pc, the desk lamp, and tv, poof all off and a BANG in the kitchen, I ran out to see smoke coming from the microwave and Mark across the kitchen sat on top of the dishwasher looking dazed and confused, and soot around the mains socket on the wall by the microwave.

I asked him what happened and he said he don’t know, all he did was plug the microwave in and bang it threw him across the kitchen. realizing that the bleach and water might have something to do with it, i said to Mark, “thats what you get when you buy dodgy stuff from your mates, just think that could have happened to me while no-one was home, and i might be dead now. ”

Mark told his mate and his mate came over a week later with a brand new microwave and dishwasher (as ours didn’t work after Mark landed on it) and he said he was every so sorry and gave me some flowers too.

i never washed the microwave with water and bleach again.

Microwave designers

bitch slapped by Sammie, for the little holes you cant clean